Sunday, July 4, 2010

What Have I Done!? Uncertainty and Matt's Boolean Rubric of Justification

Sweet droppings from the dark-side of my mind! I am so scared! What happened? Two weeks ago I was all gung-ho about going. Then last week, once I did the plane ticket deal. It really kicked in. I don't know if I want to go. Incredibly scared. But then , I wake up this morning, take a walk, and was like; damn I'd like to be doing this in Melbourne right now.

I'm so wishy washy. I feel weird, because I have led all my co-workers/friends/family into thinking I was going to do this, and now I might just chicken out! I just want to be 7 years old eating cheerios with about 5 lbs of sugar (no, really, my mom loaded the cereal substantially) and watching ALF.

Hark ye naysayers! Well then I start to rationalize everything. I really want the degree, I want the new "job" of research. I want to meet new people and explore new things. And I eventually want to wrestle a drop bear with my bare hands. Oh, and vegemite. But I kinda feel like I'm a character in a Shakespearian play, whose hamartia, or critical-flaw, is that of being rash. I think fast, want something, and try to get it. Later it hits me... what have I done? And I fear I might have done that in this case. Likewise, if I give up now, it might also be a rash decision. It is my assumption that most people fear uncertainty. I tend to be pessimistic about this, and my uncertainty-fear produces a scary-lonely place, while others have a more optimistic sunny-happy vision.

So let me do what a few friends/family have told me to do, (thanks Danny). Danny calls this the "Matt Algorithm" Essentially it's just a break down of "why vs whynot" on going; however, I prefer to call it a boolean Rubric:
WhyWhy Not
  1. Future Job Opportunities for Lower Level Development
  2. Make a Valuable Contribution to CS
  3. Make New Friends and Collegues
  4. Avoid the Lonely/Bordom After Work, as I Plan on Sharing a House/Flat
  5. Learn
  6. Get Outside and Do Something
  7. Proving I Can Do Something On My Own
  8. Get Out of My House
  9. Avoid the Dependence of an Automobile
  10. See Bon Scott's Grave
  11. Vegemite
  1. Expense
  2. Missing Family and Friends
  3. Leaving My Saftey-net
  4. Drop Bears

Ultimately, the money thing is lame. Money is fake, and a fabricated commodity which gives people an excuse NOT to do things.

Right now, just baby steps. I'm going no matter what, for a vacation. If I go crazy, I'll come home with an experience, and only be out the cash it took for transaction fees and school processing charges (they reimburse up till August ~31st). And possibly rent for a place, one of my first goals. If I avoid going all together, I know I will be miserable all my life not even trying. And that's a sad thought.

Positive thoughts. Heck I'm an adult, on my own, why do I feel now I'm 7 again and wanting the comfort of mommy and daddy? Grow a pair!



  1. Do it, man! Don't make me quote that worn cliche about every man dying but not every man living. I dun' wanna do that to ye. But I will!

    Leaving the comfort zone is never gonna feel good or right until you're totally out of it. Too much fear (which is irrational) to sift through. The vacation idea is good. It'll get you out there where you can see the new world you'll be stepping into.

    And I can't believe "kick-A Aussie accents" didn't make your "Why" list! Don't you wanna be on a continent full of Crocodile Dundees? Ever see Transformers? That blonde gal? Definately from Australia.

    ...And she's waiting for you, amigo. Don't disappoint 'er. Wheels are in motion. You're on the roller coaster. Don't try to bail out on the way up. The top'll be scary, the plunge even worse, but it'll be a ride to remember afer that.

  2. Jesse,
    Thanks so much for the kind words. I don't want to let myself or friends down. But still, its such a scare.

  3. Of course reality of coming here won't be a walk in the park. You might as well be going to the moon, but that's why you're doing it right?

    Here's something your President Kennedy said:

    "We choose to go to the moon [...] in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win."

    Take courage Matt. The most precious things you'll get from your stay here will be your answers to the challenges you haven't even thought of yet.

    And don't worry, you're not alone. After all, you already have friends here!

    (But seriously dude, good luck trying to live without a car)

  4. Eek! I thought public transport and/or biking would be sufficient?

  5. Just, for values of sufficient.