What Have I Done!? Uncertainty and Matt's Boolean Rubric of Justification

Sweet droppings from the dark-side of my mind! I am so scared! What happened? Two weeks ago I was all gung-ho about going. Then last week, once I did the plane ticket deal. It really kicked in. I don't know if I want to go. Incredibly scared. But then , I wake up this morning, take a walk, and was like; damn I'd like to be doing this in Melbourne right now.

I'm so wishy washy. I feel weird, because I have led all my co-workers/friends/family into thinking I was going to do this, and now I might just chicken out! I just want to be 7 years old eating cheerios with about 5 lbs of sugar (no, really, my mom loaded the cereal substantially) and watching ALF.

Hark ye naysayers! Well then I start to rationalize everything. I really want the degree, I want the new "job" of research. I want to meet new people and explore new things. And I eventually want to wrestle a drop bear with my bare hands. Oh, and vegemite. But I kinda feel like I'm a character in a Shakespearian play, whose hamartia, or critical-flaw, is that of being rash. I think fast, want something, and try to get it. Later it hits me... what have I done? And I fear I might have done that in this case. Likewise, if I give up now, it might also be a rash decision. It is my assumption that most people fear uncertainty. I tend to be pessimistic about this, and my uncertainty-fear produces a scary-lonely place, while others have a more optimistic sunny-happy vision.

So let me do what a few friends/family have told me to do, (thanks Danny). Danny calls this the "Matt Algorithm" Essentially it's just a break down of "why vs whynot" on going; however, I prefer to call it a boolean Rubric:

Why	Why Not
Future Job Opportunities for Lower Level Development Make a Valuable Contribution to CS Make New Friends and Collegues Avoid the Lonely/Bordom After Work, as I Plan on Sharing a House/Flat Learn Get Outside and Do Something Proving I Can Do Something On My Own Get Out of My House Avoid the Dependence of an Automobile See Bon Scott's Grave Vegemite	Expense Missing Family and Friends Leaving My Saftey-net Drop Bears

Ultimately, the money thing is lame. Money is fake, and a fabricated commodity which gives people an excuse NOT to do things.

Right now, just baby steps. I'm going no matter what, for a vacation. If I go crazy, I'll come home with an experience, and only be out the cash it took for transaction fees and school processing charges (they reimburse up till August ~31st). And possibly rent for a place, one of my first goals. If I avoid going all together, I know I will be miserable all my life not even trying. And that's a sad thought.

Positive thoughts. Heck I'm an adult, on my own, why do I feel now I'm 7 again and wanting the comfort of mommy and daddy? Grow a pair!

-Matt